Monday, March 10, 2008


DSC05077, originally uploaded by San Nakji.

I was thinking a lot yesterday about 'why?'.

Given that I don't believe in an 'afterlife' I have to wonder what I am waiting for. I like to justify my existence for two reasons. One is my son. He needs me. Therefore I have a reason to exist. However I also need to make my own existence worthwhile. I don't need to validate my existence for others, but rather I need to justify this to myself. I thought about this a lot yesterday. I am not sure why. My life, as far as I am concerned, is lived for travel. It's the reason I turn up to my job everyday and do all the mundane things I do. I do these as I wait for the few weeks a year where I get to leave this island and experience somewhere else.

I am not sure whether I am articulating this well. Sometimes the thoughts I have up here (pointing to my head) work best up there I suppose. I was thinking about people who just sit at home on the computer all day. Living vicariously through their computer. People who maybe don't even work. How do they justify their existence. Do they even need to? I guess that's the real point. As long as you are happy with the way you are living, then it shouldn't matter what others think.

One feeling I thought about yesterday was this feeling of 'waiting'. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for something to happen. What am I waiting for? Is it the ultimate job opportunity? Is it a lottery win? What is this thing I am waiting for? Do other people have this feeling too? Do I need to stop waiting and get out there and go to this thing?

I am a strong believer in time. That is, I feel that given time, things will happen. I guess the real question for me is, how much time should be given?

Does any of this make sense? Maybe not...

What is it I am waiting for?


Cergie said...

San Nakji, you are ever waiting for something else, I noticed that by my own : during the week you are waiting for the week-end, during your work time, you are waiting your hollidays, am I right or am I not ?

Cergie said...

You know, Hope is very important. I had for such a long time wished you'ld remove that grmmlllgrrr San Nakji's code, and it happened one day. You can see with this example how Hope is important and not stupid

Cergie said...

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life"... (Steve Jobs)

I found these words nor a long time ago. You have only one life and must not spoil it. Your son is your duty, he is not your life.
My children are now away from home, I made my duty, now I have my own life to live, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, spring after winter, and enjoy each second of my life, each second until the last one...

Heather said...

It's interesting that you feel this way. I think we all wonder what we live for.

I don't have children yet, someday I might. I don't know. BUT, everyday I wonder what my purpose is. Am I here for someone else? Am I here for some special purpose that God has for me? What will happen when I go? Will I go to some fancy place in the clouds for eternity, or will I bask in the delight of a world made of chocolate? I don't know. hehehe

But, I envy you, because are you able to travel. I have a job that requires my attention so much that traveling is difficult.

I want to see the world, but the choices I made many years ago caused me to sacrifice a few small things. But, I love what I do and I am grateful for all I DO have.

This was a wonderful post. I look forward to reading what you write. You have such an interesting way of looking at things. (I mean that in a GOOD way!)

*HUGS* for you my friend. Much love!

aaronrussin said...

i know this waiting feeling.

you have a good insight on things san, and a good way of articulating what you mean, or at least articulating enough that your frustration really shows through. you have a lot of angst that you ought not have.

i don't know what it means to have 'meaning' in your life, but if i'm guessing right, you have good people around you that love you and you love them back. you're legitimately interested in making people's lives better. you have an opportunity to make one person grow up to NOT be a douchebag (your son).

those seem like pretty good reasons to be alive.

i just think that in some way we all want to be rock stars, or rich, or famous in some way, and it just doesn't realistically happen.

however, i say it's the fault of the system that our values are so off. why do we need to wait for pay off? are things not intrinsically good to do in themselves? are you not good to your friends and family just because you ought to be good to your friends in family?

i'm convinced that this idea of a contract, or a pay-off in relationships is entirely bunk. we're monetizing our entire lives, and i don't think that's representative of how we actually live.

maybe you're just at a bit of a rough spot eh? go watch a whalers game :P

Ashley said...

I assume you are approximately my age. If not, then you have insight into what it feels to be part of the so-called, "Generation X"

I have the same conflict as you and based on discussions with friends, they share it. Only, I don't have children -- partly because of the overwhelming responsibility and how it may impact my personal, 'waiting' strategy.

Cergie posted a great Steve Jobs quote. I may need to use it one day in a resignation letter. :)

Sarah said...

We have to live our lives for ourselves; any other way and you're tempting fate. Your son is an asset in your life just as you are in his- it's your experiences that help you to give him the foundation he needs to become all he can be. Plus, the day will come when he won't need you to the same degree he does now and travel could become a much more obtainable thing. Do what you love and grab whatever it is that will make you happy. We only get to live this life once.

I have faith in time. I think it grants us the ability to look back on our pasts with perspective and understanding, while offering endless possibilities for our future. The process can be painful but it's an ebb and flow throughout life and where there are downs there are ups. Not knowing what you're "waiting" for is sometimes agonizing but the beauty is that when you find it, your heart will know instantly.